Excerpts from an article by Dan Frey, Editor-in-Chief of New York City Voices

My first psychotic break with schizophrenia was summer 1998. I had asked then, where do I go from here? Though I've come a long way since my hospitalizations, I still have a hard road to travel. I'm 23 years old. I don't want to tell people I have schizophrenia when I don't have to. But if I don't reveal it to people who are a part of my life, I carry a terrible burden. The whole point is to realize that millions of people out there suffer or have loved ones suffering from mental illness, and they need to hear from courageous people who are willing to share their experiences.

It's really hard to live with this disease even when it's being managed by medications, because one of its main symptoms is delusions. Often I need to question what is real or delusional. I was waiting on the street for a bus one night about 9:30 p.m. and there was a lot of activity in the area. But I felt alone and vulnerable, maybe even a target. I became uncomfortable. On the bus I thought a man was looking at me with angry eyes. I later asked myself, is this normal or is it the disease? Is it reasonable to be afraid at that hour on that street or is it schizophrenia?

Since I've been diagnosed with this illness, my parents want to have more control over my life than I want them to have. They don't really trust that I'm taking my medication after I do something they perceive as irrational. Recently I had some back pains that kept me up for hours when I needed to sleep. I thought that getting some fresh air might help. The persistent back pain made me irritable, which was why I did not bother telling my father that I was going for a walk to relieve the pain, even at 3 o'clock in the morning. I just left the house. When I got home about a half-hour later, my father was upset and grilled me with questions I did not want to answer. My parents assured me that they were worried as much as they were because I did something irrational, and because they loved me, but I know they worried a lot more because I have schizophrenia.

Despite the difficulties surrounding my illness, 'Where do I go from here?' is not such a profound question anymore. I have recently become New York City Voices Managing Editor and a consumer advocate, so I will go wherever these new responsibilities take me while continuing the efforts to destigmatize schizophrenia by revealing my personal story to as many people as possible.

(Dan Frey will be sharing his experiences in future issues of New York City Voices.) If you'd like to subscribe, please call 212-757-1350 or send an e-mail to Editors@NewYorkCityVoices.org.)