A 20-year-old woman looks back on her struggle with schizophrenia, an illness that robbed her of most of her youth. Now that her treatment is working, she looks forward to the years ahead.

By Kristin Shoemaker

What is schizophrenia? It's a murderer of childhood. It's a 7-year-old cowering below the curtains when no one is watching. It's an apprehensive little girl bravely trying to cover her fear of the twisted hallucination that waits beyond the panes when people are present and there is no place to hide. God forbid, should anyone know. They might blame her imagination again, tell her to learn not to fear her thoughts, and she can't – not yet.

What is schizophrenia? It's a mask. It's a 10-year-old in fourth grade who has outstanding verbal skills. It's the well-adjusted child who always gets homework done on time. She tells the truth when teachers ask if she's been up to no good. She smiles a lot and draws happy pictures for her friends. She never speaks out of turn. All the other children see her as so mature. The teachers laugh and read the stories she writes and say, "I hope she doesn't lose that imagination when she grows up."

What is schizophrenia? It is the stalker of a 13-year-old girl who should be on the ski team and going to dances. Instead she sits meditating on the hill with the corpses, wondering if maybe she's some place in England. Bloated images of people she knows are still alive float over her bed at night and dribble Vaseline into the air. The dead man who built the stonewalls on the ancient farmland below so many years ago anchors himself onto her bedroom window to watch her all night long. Unicorns fly by and the people in the walls call her name. She knows something is wrong, even if no one else does. Doesn't anyone see that something in her is terribly wrong?

What is schizophrenia? It's a girl celebrating the first 16 years of her life in a locked ward. It is a callous remark by student nurses who think she has no ears, no brain and no feelings. It's wondering if life is worth the trouble. It's seizures and over-medication and three doctors wanting to treat her condition three different ways. It's long nights in a hot room with someone who doesn't give a damn beyond his paycheck whether or not she's alive, much less asleep. It's parents trying to make things easier by saying that the ward is much like a dorm room. She doesn't care. She doesn't think that she'll live to grow old enough to be in college.

What is schizophrenia? It's a 20-year-old woman who has fought the murderer/stalker/mask/loss of innocence all her life just to be where she is today. She forgets things once in a while. She has to take so much medication a day that she must use her tuition money for the pills that keep her head clear and make her heart murmur. She uses spending money on the blue tablets to fight the drug-induced muttering. She is a junior in college. She is on the Dean's List. She has found a man who loves her, and she's not afraid to be near him anymore. She has found company with people who are not the most popular or beautiful. She stands in alliance with people that have won.

"People That Have Won" was adapted from an article that first appeared in Living with Schizophrenia, a newsletter developed by www.schizophrenia.com, a Web site devoted to people with schizophrenia.